


Dean backtracks.

by becausenothingelsematters



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2013-03-13
Packaged: 2017-12-05 05:48:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/719568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/becausenothingelsematters/pseuds/becausenothingelsematters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe things weren't as they seemed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dean backtracks.

It wasn’t long before you started asking questions. Around the age of four, or was it six? There are many questions you asked as we played soldiers in the back car. Your imagination was always more vivid than mine. I saw Dads eyes when you started asking, how they stared at me, he looked at me for the answer, and he looked at me as if I came up with the wrong answer I’d be in for it. I grew to become used this look. Disappointment. Ever since I’d made that mistake with you and the house fire, ever since I nearly had you killed. He’d never look at me the same. You were always his favourite, even if you didn’t see it. I did. I saw it every day, in every photo and argument you two shared. He loved you, I’m sure he loved me on some level, but it was never shown. 

 

I looked you in the eye as you asked me why we didn’t have a Mummy like everybody else. You asked me why we lived in the car instead of a house, you asked me why Daddy went away for long times. I felt my heart break as you asked, what were to you, such innocent questions as you killed my soldier, a small smile becoming of your lips in victory. His eyes never left mine. I stuttered, unable to answer your question, telling you it was a story for another age. You let it go and brought my soldier back to life before heading straight back into war.

 

You let the thought go, yet it remained in my mind for years. We travelled, and Dad went away. I was never sure if he returned. He never returned my calls. I was a mess constantly for years. Day after day went. I’d go without feeding myself to ensure you were healthy. We’d argue over the food sure, but it would always belong to you. That goes along with the money for clothing, gas, cleaning products. Anything, you were always first. This was my own choice. You came first, in everything. Although this was Dads unspoken choice, it was my decision. You were under my care and I wasn’t allowing any harm to you. You were still happy with the answer I gave you.  
You were ten, Dad had been gone for longer than expected, you’d made friends at this school. I’d made enemies. You were growing tired of the answer I had given you. I could see it when you looked at me, when you passed me the prize in the cereal box. You made me uncomfortable. I knew I would have to tell you soon. I was sure you knew, but you needed to hear it. You knew monsters existed; you’d known since you had complained about the monster in your closet and Dad had taught you how to shoot. I tried to argue, I tried to give you a childhood. It was small and useless, but it was more than I had. You had bacon and pancakes. I had nothing, although I told you it was because I wasn’t hungry. You didn’t believe me. You rarely did anymore. You were always smarter than Dad gave you credit for. You were smarter than me. You asked again. You asked about mum and the travelling. I sighed. I couldn’t lie anymore. It was time you knew. I took you to the sofa, you wouldn’t let me hold you, you were a big boy after all. I told you the story of Mum, and her death. Of the fire, the mosters, the jobs Dad does when he goes on hunting trips. I told you everything, and I refused to cry as I felt you coming closer to tears. I stayed strong for you. By the time I had finished speaking you were silent. In my arms. I held you close and we didn’t go to school that day. 

 

Dad came home that night as I held you, the tears dried on your face. He had asked what had happened to you. I told him you had asked and I had answered. We had gotten into a fight, you had hidden. You didn’t see anything past the verbal violence. He loved you, and that’s why he did it. He wanted to protect you and keep you safe. He loved you.  
We’d moved a lot, you had grown into your schooling. Dad was mad at you. You didn’t understand how much he loved you. You didn’t see. I made up for it though. Don’t worry about it. I made sure he was loved enough for the both of us. There were orders, and things I performed, that no one my age at the time should see. My life had became your nightmares. You knew how to fight, and you came out when we needed you. But you stayed in your books. You were so smart. You could do anything. After being a physical man; Dad didn’t appreciate how much book-smart meant. You argued more than we did. I became his trophy son. He still loved you more than anything. We started to lose our connection. We weren’t close anymore. Even we argued. You shared your meals with me though. I started to build up strength; although you towered over me. 

 

We were 18. You and Dad had argued throughout the night, I had tried to keep you here. But there was a girl. It was selfish of me to keep you. I wanted you to have a life, to have a family and a perfect life. I wanted to have one with you. I could settle for half of that. You departed from me and Dad. Her name was Jess. You picked good man. You really did. She made you happy; although you never let me meet her. It was understandable. You were ashamed of me. I would be if I were you. I was nothing more than a hunter. I was the bottom of the pack, and you? You had gone to college. I was so proud of you. But it would be years before I’d see you again.

Once you left, he looked at me different. A mixture of pure hate and admiration. I was a good hunter, no I was a damn good hunter. I was the best hunter out there and he knew it. But he never looked at me like he did you. He was proud of me; but he still loved you. He was broken without you. I was treated like a hunter, like a friend; but never a son. I was in danger constantly. I’d learnt how to do things most doctors would struggle without their equipment. I found solace in the bottle. It burnt me at first, and it put me in state in the morning that Dad would do nothing more but spit at me. I wasn’t anything to him. But I became used to it, it replaced you. I had no one to hold those nights I cried. I prayed to somebody; but nobody replied. I lost my faith.  
It had been a few weeks before I grew worried. Dad had gone on a hunting trip, and he hadn’t been back in a few days. Something was wrong. There were no phone calls, messages, or friends who had seen you in a while. You had left this world for all I knew. I drank. I loved him, I adored him and he had gone. You were gone. I was alone. I didn’t know what to do. I lay in bed for days on end, my heart torn to pieces, my mind in a state beyond repair. Nothing was right, I had no choice. You had escaped. I had seen things even the darkest corners of your mind couldn’t dream of. I was scared from instruments you couldn’t conceive. I’d come so close to death it had become another part of life. I wasn’t scared of anything. But I had lost you, and I was terrified. It took me a while before I tracked you down. Right down to the room you were in. I picked the lock. The apartment was empty. There was a bra on the sofa, and photos of you two together. You were happy. A true smile. I felt that stone drop in my stomach as I knew what I was about to pull you from. I knew what I was about to tear to shreds.

 

You came home first, you hadn’t forgotten what you had learnt. We fought, you were stronger than me, but I had more training. We fought before you realised it was me. There was nothing but hate in your eyes. I still loved you. I told you about Dad, how he had been missing. This was where it all started. You had tried; promised Jess it was only a weekend trip and you’d be back for the interview on Monday. Was it an interview? I can’t remember, all I know was that it was important to you. Yet you came anyway. You fell straight back into line, you weren’t as good as me. But you were good. You knew what you were doing. I had fallen off the bridge; you’d panicked but laughed when I called back to you. We had many moments of this. We killed whatever that bastard was and I drove you home, blaring out tunes you disagreed with. I told you to shut your cake hole. I remember that one. We came home and something was wrong. We ran upstairs. Jess was suffering just as mum had.  
You’d never forgive me for that.

 

We fought more often than not. I remember you had joined me in our travels. We searched for Dad. The wendigo, when we set mums spirit free. I remember everything from that first year. There was that guy, I can’t remember his name now, but he could save lives. He had saved mine. I was sick, real sick. You got real scared man. He was a religious freak. That was it. I didn’t believe in anything of that any sort anymore. Angels, God? None of it could exist. There was evil, and demons yes. But that was all. You had thought he was amazing; he had chosen me and I was well again. The hot blondes mum wasn't happy because she had waited ages. She’s probably dead now. We try to save every one, remember that. We tried. He had chosen me and saved me. Yet somebody had died in my place, and it was the same for everyone else. They were controlling a reaper. Ugly bastards those things. We sorted that one. You still hadn't forgiven me. But I loved you, and you started to remember that. You started to love me again to.  
We still hadn't found Dad.

 

By now you had run away from me and come back. We would end up doing this a lot. But we’d always come back to each other. There was this blonde chick. Short hair. She was short. Meg she was called. Turns out to be a real bitch in the end. There was so much we weren't aware of, but we’d pull through. We were Winchesters. We hadn’t yet made this name mean anything, give it a few years though. Give it time and we’ll get there.  
Then we’d discovered the reason behind your freakiness. Demon blood. You craved it. You became addicted once you held a taste of it. I didn’t know this yet. You were still secretive; you still hadn’t forgiven me. I hadn’t forgiven myself. But I loved you.  
We had found Dad, we had gained this gun. The colt, it became ours. Dad had left again. We were so close, so close.  
But I’d lost you again.  
I’d lost everything. Mum, Dad, and you.  
It was all my fault.


End file.
